Status: "Feeling Loved"

God has a perfect reason why I didn't have enough courage to love you back then. 
God had a perfect reason why I stood still.
God had a reason why I cried so much. 
God had a magical reason why we used to hold on that long.
God had a magnificent reason why moving on had been so slow.
God had a ideal plan in our lives.


God uses people to teach us
God uses people to shape and mold us
God uses people to make us realize
God uses people to accept us
God uses people to learn
God uses people to believe
God uses people to Love everyday.

11/27/2013 11:01 AM

Random thoughts this morning.

Forward

Many years had really passed. It was very quick that I didn't realize it was already almost 7 years. Idea is coming back just like there is something out there that I missed. I haunts me, even though I am doing all the means to not look back I am still peeking.

"Why?"

For the longest time I've been asking that kind of question, for also the longest time I never knew answers. 

What am I doing is the appreciation of what I have in reality. What seems to be better.

I really don't know how TIME and LOVE can move mountains. 

I was really shocked by the time (out of the blue HE to told ME to stop Looking BACK. Because all the time, I am spending my life in the present looking back. (what a cliche)

After that I was like I feel like a stupid child, helpless, lost, tired, longing for love, alone. I realize to appreciate HIM more. Especially when the time I think of the past. I forgot that HE appreciated me despite all the what ifs in my mind. I forgot to see how he change my sadness to smile.

I now realized that Moving Forward only starts when you're able to lift your feet to make that step and when you're able to continue stepping for the betterment of everyone. It is also looking on what's ahead of you and not merely starring at what's behind you. Moving forward is a choice. It takes time but I know that it will be worth the wait because time is really cherished. Moving forward involves you and only yourself. Moving forward is a choice, and it is for YOU to DECIDE.

Assume

What really can I write?

It's been really months again since I stop writing. I really don't know what to write or where to start this mumbling piece. I opened my hands to the little letters and free my mind from anything. How can I start? What I want to tell you? What do you want to know? What am I suppose to tell you? What are you suppose to understand? Why? How? How do I really explain everything that I should be telling?


Then I stop.

Why do we "Assume"? It is something implied. Something that we thought we know, something that we thought we understand, something that need not notify, something embedded that we cannot really see. 

How do we know we "Assume" right? By having the right actions running in our mind. We met the same conclusions with our emotions and attitudes by the right moment. 

How do we know we "Assume" not so right? When we cry. When our ideas, ideals are not met. When we are not appreciated enough by our decisions. When we just stop talking out of the blue, because we are angry. 


"Never assume unless other wise stated."

-- Accounting Subject Rule that never applies to reality. We "assume" because we have things that we know and that deep inside we feel its true. We "assume" because we believe that can make us happy. We "assume" because there is a reason - reason they do not know and understand. 

Be heard. Lessons from Boses (The Voice)

Healing starts when you are willing to expose your heart to the reality that Love can make you better.

Amazing. Music. Love. Forgiveness.

It's not just about trying to detach your self from the world that can mend these brokenness. It's more of facing the reality that past can change today, when you try to open your hearts to possibilities that there is someone in the world that is also broken. But through your brokenness, you can make you whole again. 

Be better again. 

Be brave again. 

Be still again. 

Be loved again. 

Be heard again. 

Lessons from "Boses" (Cinemalaya 2007)

Bus No.#### Off to North

00:15 A.M.
As I was seated at the back of the driver's seat of the bus... a trembling loud shout of people awake me. Shouting "nawawalan ng preno ang bus", taking note that we are on the Subic-Clark-Tarlac Expressway.. That was the time I just can't remember what will I hold at that moment or even what prayer will I utter that infront of me was a view of a life and death at any moment, a large 3D of real life. That was about 5minutes of nevousness with much fear and panic that happened, but that 5 minutes was just as crucial that one wrong move and we will become all dead.


I was so much thankful that our driver get back the air suspension break of the bus, that save our lives.

I was just smiling hearing each and ever passenger that gets off the bus saying "THANK you po...!"



That just make sense, that whatever we are in our lives at this moment, how hard, how poor, how difficult and challenging Life has to offer, We should never forget to be Grateful- Thankful for everything that we have. We are still so much bless, blessed enough to Inspire.


1:19 A.M I'm Home at Payas, Sta. Barbara

OO. Iba

Oo. Iba.

Iba kaya ang buhay natin, kung may mga iba tayong ginawa sa buhay? 

Naisip ko lang bigla. OO nga noh? Malamang iba. Iba yung ginagawa ko ngayon. Iba yung kinaroroonan ko. Iba yung nangyayari. Iba yung mga kasama ko.

Lahat ng ginagawang desisyon-- malaki o maliit parte ng buhay ng pagiging Ikaw. Walang tama o mali. Dahil sa kahit saan..may matututunan ka. Iba iba nga lang paraan. Pero sa lahat ng paraan walang madali, dahil lahat din ng bagay pinaghihirapan.

Oo. Iba. Iba talaga. PERO habang buhay ka nalang ba magtatanong sa sarili mo? Iba. Oo. PERO hindi mo na maibabalik lahat ng sana nagawa modahil tapos na. PERO kung hindi mo ginawa ang mga desisyon mo ngayon, hindi ka magiging ganyan katibay, at katatag. Hindi ka ganyan mag sakripisyo. Hindi ka ganyan mangarap. Hindi ka ganyan mag mahal.

Oo. Iba. Dahil may bukas na gigising TAYo at haharap sa Buhay.

Mga tanong ko ngayon.

Bakit ang tanga ko?
Dahil magkaiba ang sinasani ng puso at isip mo. Hindi mo ainusunod and kung anong sinasabi ng isa sa kanila.


Bakit ako masasaktan?
Parte ng buhay ang masaktan, yun yung magpapatunay na totoo yung mga nararamdaman mo at na totoong tao ka.

Bakit ako nahihirapan?
Dahil ang buhay ay puno ng iba't ibang decisions, maliliit at malalaki. Lahat nakasalalay sayo at sayo lamang dahil ikaw ang nakakakilala sa sarili mo, ikaw yung nakakaalam ng kailangan mo at nararamdaman mo.


Bakit ako umiiyak?
Dahil ayaw kong may masaktan, dahil alam ko kung paano at kung gaano kahirap ang masaktan. Alam ko na hindi kaya ng mga salita ipaliwanag at hindi matatalo ng lahat ng luha sa mundo ang mag mahal, umasa at iwan.


Bakit siya bumabalik?
Dahil naririnig niya sa puso niya na meron parin, nq mahal parin niya ako.


Bakit hindi ko siya makalimutan?
Dahil hindi ko rin alam, maraming beses na, maraming taon na dumaan, maraming luha na akong iniyak, pero meron pa din "bakit" sa puso ko.


Bakit niya ako minamahal?
Dahil nasa relasyon kami na nagsasama sa hirap at ginhawa. Sa lungkot at saya. Sa away o bati. Sa ulanat araw. Sa pag buo ng mga pangarap. Sa pag harap sa mga hamon ng buhay. Sa pag ngiti sa buhay.


Bakit hindi ko siya maiwan?
Dahil sa lahat mg rason na binigay niya para makita ko ang buhay ulit, para mag mahal ako ulit.


Bakit sila andyan?
Dahil nag mahal ako, totoo. Simple lang ako. Hindi kailangan ng madaming bagay para mapasaya, kailangan ko lang ng "assurance" na hindi mo ako iiwan at papabayaan. Madali lang akong mahalin.


Ang dami kong tanong at iyak. Hindi ko alam ang sagot sa lahat ng tanong ko, isa lang yung sinsabi nilasa akin:


Follow your Heart 💓

Pray.


---hindi ko alam kong nasaan yung heart ko, kung nakakaisip pa ba siya. Gusto niyang tumahimik at mag isip, dahil king pipili ako yun yung mamahalin ko ng walang tanong at haharapin ko ng may paninindigan.


He knows all things.
He can do all things.
He loves me very much.

Anong nagyari?

Nakakabigat ng puso.

Yung tipong lahat kasi ng tao sa paligid mo nasasaktan. Sinaktan, kahit nag mamahal, nakakatakot. Kasi parang nag daan na ako dito noon eh, nadurog talaga yung puso ko sa sobrang sakit, in short alam ko kung paano ang masaktan. Ayaw ko ng dumaan ulit dun.. Kung pwede lang talaga.


Pero pwede nga bang hindi daanan? May iba pa bang daan? Anong nangyari? Anong mangyayari? Kailan? Pati ako hindi ko din naman alam..


Masakit na mahirap, na nakakatakot. Ayaw kong mag isip ng sobra, pero dapat ko pa rin harapin to sa tamang panahon.

Smile. (Feeling better)

If he is really meant to be, you will really end up together. Smile. Life is too short to think about it. -Ms. Tina Aguirre (Our branch manager) reiterating to our branch meeting a while ago.


----it just all make sense and make me think about it better that I never really had a problem.., that it's just the recognition of how special i am and I could be to all the persona that I met and I'd be able to meet in the future. It's just that at the end if the day, I will promise that I did my best. I never want to end up life with all regrets that I never had a chance when i still have my time. Now, all I can do is to seek for guidance (besides from crying) because as my everday prayer goes... "he knows all things, He can do all things and He loves me very much". My decision will be God's answer to what He wanted me to be.. Where He really wants me to be.

Confused.

I am okay. I already moved on, I thought. It's been 7 long years of hope, tears, disappointments, friendship and love. I came to know and be in a relationship again. But why every time I got to be in touch with you again everything changes. What has been fairly planned and okay ended up with question marks. I can't really identify why I feel this feeling, I cant't find someone who will be willing to listen to me that will not be baised. I really don't know.

Maybe my emotions now is just mixed-up of excitement, care, hurt, pain and regrets. It just crushes me down.

Shattered.

Love is a choice. Is a risk.


Nasabi ko sa kanya na mahal pa dun ako niya. Ano reaction ko.. Bothered ako. Sabi nga daw sa disernment. "What bothers you means to you"... Hindi ko alam kung ano pa yun unfinished business namin, hindi ko alam kung sa mga ginagawa kong decision tama.. Lagi akong may nasasaktang tao... Nasasaktan ko Lang din yung sarili ko. Sana all these time makita at marealize nila yung worth ko bilang ako-- maxado akong mabait mag mahal. I will never demand. I always understand the situation. I will always make it a point na He will be okay. Sana kayanin ng puso ko ang lahat ng ito... Ang hirap parang day 1 palang susuko na ako.. Nararamdaman kong nasasaktan ko siya. Feeling ko I am too much unfair sa kanya, siya na tiniruan ako mag mahal ulit, na nagpabangon sa akin when I was so much broken.. Siya na nagparealize na dapat akong mag patawad para makapagmahal ulit. Tapos babalikan niya ulit ako. Meron talagang isa na dapat nag sacrifice.


Pero sa ngaun ayaw ko muna isipin yan...

Life is Love.

If the purpose is Love.
If the process of doing is Loving.

--it will all make sense.

And understanding the process of Loving thru RIGHT Time.

***Life is made up of dreams and decisions that we make everyday. Life is at the same time made up of people that come and go. I am happy because now I am witnessing how a person bloom into someone I could look up to. A first step for moving forward and aiming for something bigger than her heart could ever be. Just continue following your heart --continue following your dreams. And when you look back you can always see me smiling at You. I will always be part of our journey together. I love you Copy Paste.


***Right time will always come. God may not answer all at the same time.. He has his own ways and reasons why.. just always learn to tell yourself that God is more concerne
d on what you are going to be in the  Process---process that you willlove more ehat ypu are doing.. and you'd be going to INSPIRE more people in your life.


Love and Time always go hand in hand.


Lord grant me everyday to understand your wisdom and Love.Amen.

Lessons from CHGDD

Ang buhay ng isang empleyado hindi makukumpleto kung wala kang boss. Hindi ganun kadali pero isa lang ang masisiguraso ko.... Challenging. Yun ang description ng magiging buhay mo. Napapatawa. Nagkwekwentuhan kami. Nagagalit din siya. Nakakain na kami sa labas.

Nung isang gabi may isa siysng sinabi na hindi ko na nakalimutan simula noon..."lesson for this day: Marami pa kayong Dapat malaman."

Healing Follows

You can really never understand someone better unless you was able to listen from the heart. Amazingly, healing follows.

Simple Saturday morning, and I can help but listen with my heart. There is always something in us that makes us truly unique---all the experiences that makes us better and stronger, experiences that makes the whole YOU. I always believe that healing only starts when you do something to share it (it can be by talking about it or by simply writing it). And the first step in healing is being able to FORGIVE its something never easy but strengthens the weakest part of the heart. Now I understand Her better. And I always accepted her for that. Strong people always inspires me.

Unread letter

Dear Mr. Indifferent, First of all, I would like to THANK YOU! For the things that I should be thankful for especially for loving me in every possible means that you know. I know as an ordinary human being you have a heart and you know how to love, truly and deeply. I’m glad that I am one out of the millions of people in the universe that you once chose to share a wing to embrace life. But life will never be the same all the time. SORRY may not be enough to express what I am feeling but that can be followed by “I wish and pray to be forgiven in time..”. I may not look affected because you were hurt but I am. I’m sorry. For standing for whatever I think, I know and I feel. Maybe not all the time, what you think is right and what you want to be right may differ. Tomorrow will never be certain but I will always and forever be praying for your happiness and fulfilment of what you really want. I maybe too emotional and assuming, I know my limitations and capacities. There are many who are more deserving and more worthy of giving you chances. We can never tell. My hand will be always open to be your friend. I once loved you sincerely; you will always owe me a part in my heart. You were able to teach me lifelong lessons I will never forget. God bless you and your family always. I’m Sorry. Lovelots, Ms. Emotional